We Wish to Inform You that Your Child’s Teacher Has Been Replaced with a Statue of Michelle Obama
Dear Parents,
Times are hard. With budget cuts and what was explained to us as “delusional staff members”, our teachers are leaving left and right, and substitutes are becoming more and more scarce. After many meetings with district officials we have come up with the perfect solution: Your child will be taught by a statue of Michelle Obama.
We fully realize this is not optimal, but the statues are extremely lifelike and were crafted by talented local artist, Lionel Bee. The plaster used to mold Mrs. Obama was shipped all the way from China and making her took Mr. Bee three weeks! She is in a constant state of waving and smiling to your children, something that very few teachers at our school did before. Many parents are upset at this change and are worried about the lack of adult supervision in the classroom as well as the lack of learning. We feel that the presence of the Former First Lady of the United States will inspire your children to be the best they can be.
If you are not aware, Mrs. Michelle Obama is a graduate of Harvard Law School and the first African American FLOTUS. She is the founder of Let’s Move!, an extremely successful program that helps to fight childhood obesity. She is a dedicated advocate for LGBT rights and is a frequent volunteer for charities. She was the perfect choice for our school and we hope that she will become an influential role model in your children’s lives.
This plan is airtight. Every morning, an administrator will drop off the classwork for the day in your child’s classroom. When the children enter the room, they will greet Mrs. Obama and begin to work. Requests like going to the bathroom or the nurse’s office will now be something your child will have to take into their own hands. We believe that this will teach them self-reliance and independence at an early age, making them fully prepared for adolescence. Children are responsible for cleaning Mrs. Obama when she gets dusty and if she needs to be repaired, it is your child’s duty to contact Mr. Bee and pay him for the repair.
When it is time for recess, Mrs. Obama will be rolled outside by her students and placed with the other Mrs. Obamas to watch the children as they play. We have only received one complaint by a passerby who thought it odd that a group of five Michelle Obama’s were standing in a circle while small children played without adult supervision. We simply told them that this is the new wave of education and that seeing five Michelle Obama’s is an incredible honor.
For our Physical Education classes, Mrs. Obama will expect enthusiasm from her students and we have developed an obstacle course inspired by Let’s Move which will consist of an obstacle course and a jump rope contest. I learned today of the departure of our beloved nurse, Mrs. Jackson, who has spent the last thirty years treating our students. However, we are proud to announce that Michelle Obama will be replacing her, meaning that almost 85% of our faulty are Michelle Obama’s!
Since Mrs. Obama has entered our school student misbehaving has decreased incredibly. Our school counselor, Mrs. Obama, has not had a single student in her office for two weeks! The students are in love with our new faculty, so much so that I have seen them putting flowers at her feet and one student even brought a baby pig as a gift for her. In all my years of teaching, I have never seen students as generous as your children. From my office I hear them chanting and singing all day long, something I’m sure Mrs. Obama appreciates.
We understand parent’s concerns but are very excited by these new changes. We hope that your child is fond of their new teacher with such an impressive background. Please do not hesitate to contact me if you have any questions, and don’t forget that Meet the Teacher Day is next Thursday!
Sincerely,
Your Principal
